the moment i freaked out

"Yoga and writing demand that I stay with what's true and what's present, however painful it may be - the sticky joint, the breaking heart, the ragged, unacceptable, truth that needs to be spoken. To stay with it, but also to know that what's true changes moment to moment, breath by breath. And that in the very act of noting it, I transform it further." ~Ann Cushman

There is a lot that speaks to me from this passage. The part that I'll focus on is the idea of what's true can (and does) change moment to moment. This has been something I've struggled with, especially the latter part of the year.

One of the biggest "things"/aha's, learning experiences from this year was my decision to cancel yoga teacher training for Lexington this January. That one was a toughie. The very moment that I truly realized that I just wasn't excited about it was the moment I got scared.

I was sitting with a few of the teachers and we were having lunch together and talking about the training. We were discussing ways of promoting the training. One teachers turns to me and asks, "First off, on a scale from 1-10 how excited are you about the training." I sat for just a moment, and replied "Five". Even I was surprised by my answer. Now I know that I was being liberal in my answer. Another teacher responds, "Wow, thanks for being so honest."

And that my friend was the moment I freaked. Yep, it freaked me out. I had so strongly attached myself to the "thing". Ever since I did my very first training, I fell madly in love with it. I love the process. I love the students. I love the material. Love. Love. Love. I know that when I lead this training I give so very much to my students, leaving everything on the mat. I'm humble about most things and don't toot my own horn about much stuff. But with this training, we totally rock it. I would put our curriculum up against any one's and feel confident.

"Leading yoga teacher training is the thing I love most about my job." I've said it over and over through the years. It had become like a label that I wore. I was definitely attached to it. Uh, oh. The wise sages thousands of years could have predicted suffering of some sort on my end. They were correct.

Now here I was not even excited about it. Over the course of the year something had shifted. How could that be? I asked myself over and over. I got some insight and I continue to get more. Insight comes as maybe you were doing much, maybe you shouldn't have left it all on the mat, you weren't strategic (fancy word for not being very smart) in planning, and so on.

But it's been within the last week that I think I've finally really gotten it. I needed space to be. I needed space to allow things to unfold. I need space to discover the other parts of me. Something had to die in order for something to be born. The lines of my personal and professional purpose are so blurry. I've been honest on this blog in the past about how I strive for balance in work, home, and family. It's never been easy for me. I have such passion for what I do I can easily let it consume me, which is what I've done (again) this year.

So I'm taking a six month sabbatical from yoga teacher training. I need to figure out who I am other than a yoga teacher. I do have a hope for the studio for this time. My vision is to come back to my sweet and loyal students that come to class, over and over, to teach in a way that inspires and elevates them/you. And we've got a plan for that. It's gonna be a fun year.

Personally, I want to dig out my fancy pants Canon Rebel camera and get back to taking pictures. Something that has brought me such joy in the past that I haven't made time for. I want to go home and see my parents and family more. I want to hear and record their stories. I want to learn from them. I want to go to Owensboro more and spend time with The Tessandoris. I want to spend more time with my nieces and nephew during this time that they need love. I want to connect with two cute little boys in Texas. Take daytrips around KY with BFF. I want to be with Andy and take hikes through the woods and walk the dogs in the cemetery. I want to take a writing class at The Carnegie Center. I want to live in a decluttered, cozy Big Blue House. I want to cook and have more friends over. I want to read poetry. Every day shall be a Rumi lovefest.

And speaking of Rumi.....
"Come for the best of days,
For a festival of roses,
For what only gets better.
Come raise a joyful noise,
For we have discovered the friend, beloved, and guide.
What else is there in the world like this?
This deliciousness spilling
everywhere and the roar of invisible oceans."

I'm truly hoping that you too are taking the time to ponder the moments of joy, sorrow, and freak from the year. Not that this is the only time you reflectt, but to really give yourself time to learn from your year. I think that's the key, not just reliving the year, but continuing to ask questions around the joy and sorrow to learn the lesson. I believe so stronly in this. Cause we all know, until we truly get the message/lesson from the universe....it just keeps repeating itself. Ahh universe, you are wise. You are a magical mystery to me. :)


Ps - Photo from Jen's blog.