Sunday, August 21, 2011

on goodness & sadness....and making room for it all

Dear Blog,

It's been a while. I know. I know.

The truth is, I'm not sure where the week has gone. I'm not really sure the last 2.5weeks have gone. The truth is I'm having a hard time forming my thoughts and having a hard time expressing here.

The week was full of goodness. Andy celebrated his birthday this week (yay for 34!). I actually found and bought new yoga clothes. I got to participate in a photo shoot for Natural Awakenings (check out the cover next month and see me bust a yoga move with other local wellness peeps). I got to spend the last six days at BW's, the yoga treehouse. Taught some fun and fulfilling private sessions.

Andy's parents came in Saturday and we enjoyed a delish meal at Regatta. And we got to sit outside. That was a real treat.

We had the fundraiser at the studio for Namaste for Strays. OMG. So cute. See the cuteness above. Really?

I sat outside under the sun and watched my niece play soccer. I took a nap under a big tree, in the grass on Friday afternoon. I got all the details together for a new year yoga retreat.

I got to spend time today with some of my fave peeps, the tree house teachers. I walked around at the Woodland Art Fair and bought a box to hold my dreams (and anybody else that comes to the Big Blue House).

I drove home on a beautiful day under the sun and a blue sky. Driving down my pretty country road and I hear this song playing:

I think of her and before I know what's happening... the tears are there. Forming. Flowing. My heart is thumping. My hands are shaking. I feel a lump in my throat.

"Little Miss down on love
Little miss I give up
Little Miss I'll get tough
Don't you worry 'bout me anymore."

I'm driving on the same road that nearly three weeks ago I saw the "two words" I never wanted to see. Words that changed everything in an instant. Everything is different, yet it's the same.

I made a vow years ago to never share things here while I was still in the thick, in the midst of them. I really feel that part of my journey and part of my own growth and healing is sharing from my heart. Sharing what I'm learning from this crazy thing called life. That's still my intention. I thought I might be ready to share more. Today I learned that I'm not.

So I'm giving myself permission to go easy on myself while I continue to wrap my head and my heart around all of it.

There is so much beauty.
So much goodness.
So much happiness.
And so much gratitude.
There is hope.
And bravery too.

Yet there is uncertainty.
And fear (sometimes a lot of fear).
There is anger.
Sadness and sorrow make their appearance.

I take it all in. Making an attempt to not get too attached to any of it. If I stay present I can breathe with it and find myself on the other side. And just like that the emotions subside and I find myself Here. Breathing. Living. Being present with all of it. Making room for all of it.

Thank you blog and readers and friends and family and teachers for holding space for me in the meantime. My heart is filled with love for all of you.

Many, many, many Namastes....

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