glimpses of my former self

This morning as I took my dogs for a walk, I wondered.....

"Would it be bad to have that mini Butterfinger for breakfast?"

I quickly shook the thought out of my head and continued onward with Remy pulling me one way to investigate a new scent while Zoe pulls me another way when her little rat terrier eyes land on a bunny peacefully hopping through the cemetery.

Back at the Big Blue House I walk past my Vitamix and juicer on the counter. Are they collecting dust? Yea, I think they are. It's been about three months since they've had any use.

I feel a little sad. I make a quick judgement, "If I were a good yoga mamababy I'd still be gulping down my green smoothies and creating juice concotions. Like I used to do." I go for the mini Butterfinger instead. In two bites I savor the chocolaty concotion made of......well I'm not so sure.

And actually the mini Butterfinger came after the tablespoon of raw brown rice I'd eaten earlier as instructed by my Ayurveda teacher. Andy and I came back from Mexico with some sort of fabulous bug/parasite. This was the natural remedy she suggested. And yes, she did tell me not to rule out going to the doctor.

"Eat one tablespoon of raw brown rice first thing in the morning on an empty stomach for one week."

OK. I got it! I can do that!

Do you know that one tablespoon of say..... peanut butter, is much different than one tablespoon of raw brown rice? Do you know how long it takes to chew raw brown rice? I thought I'd be able to get it all down in one big bite. Fifteen minutes later I chew the last few grains of rice for what feels like an eternity.

Shew. That wasn't so bad. I can do that. I love you yogababy. I'll even eat raw rice.

Between the bug from Mexico and general first trimester symptoms my eating has been a mess.

I nearly cry to my Ayurveda teacher...."When I do want to eat all I want to eat are carbs. And it's soooo against my Kapha diet."

Bread. Give. Me. Bread. And I could eat a whole dinner of potatoes....mashed, fried, and baked. That's well balanced right?

I wonder how many times I've said to Andy, "I just don't feel like myself."

All the things my former self loved.....reading, writing, being out in nature, collaging, getting quiet, tuning in. Even my sweet and sacred practice of yoga. It's. All. Different.

What I've been doing instead. Sleeping. And watching tv. One day I watched a marathon of Pregnant in Heels. It's true. Who are you, I would ask over and over.

One evening as Andy and I watched the Olympics I said, "I am so tired of this commercial." The words had barely escaped my mouth before the tears slid down my face and I thought again, "Who the hell are you?" I don't watch much tv and the fact that I had seen a commercial enough times to be sick and tired of it freaked me out. Just a bit. A wee bit.

Ok. A lot.

Intellectually I know that everything is changing within me.

Intellectually I know this lil' being is affecting me, my desires, sensations, and my personality.

Intellectually I know that this too shall pass and one day I will again be excited to read and write and I'll have the appetite to return to my beloved Vitamix.

I'm just patiently waiting for it to sink in on a different, deeper level. Until then, I will be patient. On a good day I'll be patient. On a bad day I'll just cry and remind myself that these wild emotions are temporary.

On another note....I have been getting hit with a few glimpses of my former self.

A spontaneous moment with the window rolled down and my hair whipping around as I sang as loud as I could. And smiled when I felt what can only be described as an inner spark.

The class I taught on Saturday (see photo above) when I felt super present with my teaching and the students.

Dancing with Andy yesterday in our kitchen to Johnny Cash with the dogs barking and jumping around us.

Connecting with the students of the upcoming yoga teacher training in Sonoma. I'm already smitten and when we hung up I felt such excitement at the thought of  meeting them and reveling in all things yoga.

Yes, I've had a few glimpses of my former self.

I'm also getting more comfortable with the idea that I'll never feel exactly the same again. The Sharon I knew will forever be different with this yogababy.

That thought scares me.

And it thrills me like nothing else has before.

In fact, I can feel an inner spark right here, right now.