Thursday, August 23, 2012

evolution doesn't move backwards

There's no such thing as
"the way things used to be."
Evolution doesn't move backwards.
That's the very first word in the book of Yoga Sutras.
It means "now".
Yoga is all about being in the present moment. It's taken me years to really get that. For a realllly long time I thought it meant that yoga is about being in the moment AND it means showing up, being in the moment in a joyful, peaceful, perfect way.
You know, the yogi way.
Early this morning I was walking in the cemetery. It was the time just before the sun was rising. The air felt cool, brisk. The trees looked different. You could smell fall lingering in space all around.
In the moment I checked in and thought to myself, "I feel good. I feel happy."
It was true.
With that single thought I realized I'd been pushing down the reality of my very first tri-mester during this adventure called pregnancy. The truth is all that many times I said I felt good, when I really didn't.
It's no secret that I prefer to have my face in the sun like a flower blossoming towards the sky. I'm an optimist (many times to a very annoying degree to Andy, family and friends) and always choose to see the glass half full. Aren't all so called dreamers like that? ;)
That has served me in amazing ways throughout my life. In fact it's one of my superpowers. And I love that about myself. You give me most any situation and I can find the silver lining. I'll tell you exactly where the rainbow is.
The downside of this, the shadow side is that I have a tendency to skip over the true nature of my feelings at times. Sadness, anger, grief, low energy, loss of focus. Nope, they've had little place in my adult life. I've restricted that space. I'm really good at being upbeat and positive, yet grounded and in control.
After this morning I realized I've been doing the same, not fully feeling my feelings all the way through over the past couple of months.
When I felt a loss of focus and motivation, I tried to will it, to force, to make things "the way they used to be". The way I used to be.
When I felt sad or confused, or emotional for any reason any newly pregnant mama might be....
I summoned gratitude. Joy. "There, that's more like it", I would think to myself.
The truth is, I believe we are powerful human beings who are fully capable of generating the feelings we desire. Awesome, yes?
But there is a place for confusion, sadness, and anger. They too have lessons to share. A voice to be heard. Ways to help us grow in the ways we most need.
If yoga is truly about being in the moment, isn't it about being with what presents itself in the moment? {Within reason, of course}.
The above quote has been my mantra since I read it a few weeks ago. I'm sorry, I don't even know who the credit goes to (but I thank them immensely).
It's my constant reminder that life is always moving forward. Regardless of what we have to say/think about it.
This isn't my first go round with this idea. I've felt myself clinging to the past in a variety of ways over the years. Wanting to re-live that awesome vacation Andy and I had. Wanting to relish in that retreat again. Wanting to experience that particular training, that moment, that meal, that conversation again and again.
Feeling a sadness hangover when I couldn't make it so.
I am learning today, perhaps more than ever, the power of the present moment. I'm getting that on a whole different level.
I can mourn the parts of me and my personality that are literally dying, while at the same being ecstatic about what's happening in the moment, and what's yet to come. I can make room for all of it.
I'm feeling a willingness to grow and stretch in all parts of my being, as my belly does the same. See above photo. :)
I'm wondering what you think? Not about me (I promise I don't need anyone "fixing" how I feel) but how you make space for all feelings and emotions? If you find yourself clinging to the way things used to be? If you feel you have to be any certain way as a yogi?

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