Tuesday, November 13, 2012

learning how to bend without breaking

Greetings Dear Soul,

Tonight I'm thinking about creativity, unexpected relief, the difference between grief and mourning, and what it's like having your heart broken over and over each day.

Yea, it's realllly fun living in my head these days.

Luckily for you I'm sharing my world of creativity over the weekend. And the art of bending without breaking. Something I make no claims on being an authority on.

Weeks ago I signed up to participate in two days of virtual programs with Jennifer Lee, author of The Right Brain Business Plan (in which I'm a facilitator).

I went back and forth over whether or not I'd have the energy to participate. I sent Jenn an email before we began and explained the head (and heart) space I was in.

I made an agreement with myself that I'd participate with no expectations. I'd hold each day and the process very lightly. I'd take as many breaks as I needed. I'd quit, call it a day early if needed.

This my Friend is not how I would have approached this in the past. I would have stuck to the schedule because that's what "good" students do. I would have forced my focus (and been upset with myself if it was less than I expected). I would NOT have quit early. Not. An. Option.

Damn straight, I'd have been miserable first.
Silly, I know.

Due to recent circumstances, I had no other choice. I had to give myself freedom. Wiggle room.

The truth is, I don't have the energy to force anything these days.

Something shifted for me this weekend and I felt more energy and excitement around work than I have in a long time. This was totally unplanned and unexpected.

I'm not sure what it was....
The awesome people I met and interacted with all over the world.
Jenn's fantastic facilitating.
My excitement about work.
The space I allowed myself.
The permission to bail out early.

The truth is since the (still)birth of baby Nico I've had to make a conscious effort NOT to use planning for the future as an escape mechanism, a way to gloss of my loss. This is my "blindspot", my go to pattern, my particular way of escaping pain and any other unwelcome emotion.

"Nothing to see over here. I'm not sad. I've got things to plan and places to go."

What I noticed this weekend was that I wasn't using my creativity, my planning to stuff my feelings and emotions. I was not over riding, skipping over sadness. My work upstairs in my sweet sacred (and messy!) space felt authentic and in the moment.

I'm oh so grateful for that time and now I'm wondering....
How might my energy, aliveness, and the process in general shift by holding the process lightly.
What if I give myself permission to try then bail out as needed?

Most of all, how can I continue to bend without breaking?

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