the things you don't see

You don't see me waking at 6:30 this morning, reaching over to turn my bedside lamp on and it crashing to the floor along with a pile of books stacked next to it.

You don't see me hoping and praying to feel better today.

You don't see me going upstairs with a homemade concoction of hot water, honey, and lemon. I've been drinking this "healing elixir" way too much this year.

You don't see me working on the computer on the flyers that should have been posted at the studio long ago. Or the wrong time I put on a flyer for a new class beginning Sunday.

You don't see me sitting, waiting in my bedroom for a call with my business coach, growing impatient and frustrated as the minutes ticked by.

You don't see me on the phone with Andy as tears trickled down my face, feeling a tender mess. Denying that I am sick. Once again. This year. I can see how feeling crappy physcially leads to feeling crappy mentally and emotionally.

You don't see me feeling sad for myself. And my Daddy. And my sister. And all the Mommas out there who not only have to take care of their sick selves, but also their sick babies. I ache for you too.

You don't see me wrestling over going to the doctor or not.

You don't see me in disbelief when said doc says I have the flu. And me saying to myself, "Shit, what's the point of all the green juices and good eats."

You don't see me sitting in the parking lot of CVS with very expensive meds thinkin', "What's the point of health insurance?" Then nearly driving to the coffee shop with pinktop in hand to do some work.

You don't see me coming home and wondering what I'm gonna do for the next two days. Knowing that I'm supposed to rest. Knowing that I'm not good at mandatory rest.

You don't see the email I send to my amazing teachers asking for their help. And the immediate response of "Get well. We got your back." and "Glad to help out. Get rest amiga." and "Absolutley happy to lend a hand to my beloved friend, mentor, sister in consciousness."

You don't see me feeling elated that I have such caring and compassionate people on my side. Reminding me that I'm worthy of rest, just for the sake of rest...even when I have a hard time giving myself permission to do just that.

But I shall let you see me in my perfectly imperfect state. Flu, negative thoughts, restlessness, puffy eyes, and all. Cause that's just life.